Radical acceptance is one of the most important skills, in my opinion, when it comes to really learning to achieve a life worth living particularly with mood disorders or other conditions that cause emotional dysregulation. Radical acceptance is a skill that is designed to prevent pain from becoming suffering. Doesn’t make sense? Stick with me 🙂
Validating your emotions is extremely important, radical acceptance can help you do this; by accepting the emotions you are experiencing and accepting them as neither good or bad – just as they are.
radical acceptance is:
+ whole-hearted – radical acceptance is complete, total and “all the way”
+ accepting – in your heart, mind and body
+ a discipline
+ when you stop fighting against it and let go of bitterness
+ a stepping stone to change
radical acceptance is not:
+ love
+ approval
+ passivity
+ pushing against change
+ compassion
what has to be accepted?
+ reality as it is – the facts about the past and the present are facts, even if you don’t like them
+ there are limitations on the future for everyone – but only realistic limitations need to be accepted
+ everything has a cause – including events and situations that cause you pain and suffering
+ life can be worth living even when things are painful
why accept reality?
+ refusing to accept it doesn’t change it
+ in order to change reality, you need to accept it first
+ pain can’t be avoided; it’s life’s way of communicating that something is wrong
+ by rejecting reality, pain turns into suffering
+ refusing to accept reality can lead to getting stuck in feelings such as unhappiness, anger, bitterness, shame or other painful emotions
steps towards radical acceptance:
step one
The first step to radical acceptance is to decide on a situation you want to accept. Simply doing this, however, is just the very first stepping stone across the river.
step two
Step two is all about commitment because this is going to be tough and something you won’t just do once; you’ll potentially be having to keep actively committing multiple times a day and promising yourself that you won’t go back.
step three
This step is noticing when old patterns start to emerge again and recognising when you start fighting reality. This can look like thinking things like “this isn’t fair” “why me?” “why should I accept something that makes me feel so awful”. Noticing when this is happening and re-committing to acceptance is so so important to finally begin implementing change and creating a better life.
step four
The final step is not turning back. Whatever you decided to accept becomes a constant commitment moving forward.
some example of radical acceptance:
Say you are making a coffee, you are just about to pour the water in and you accidentally knock your favourite the mug off and it smashes on the floor. Maybe it was a gift, or maybe it was just your best mug, maybe it was a cat mug because a cat mug would be awesome. Your mind might want to reach for thoughts such as “I’m so stupid why can’t I do anything right” “what an idiot I am, I hate myself now the mug is broken and it’s all my fault”. Radical acceptance here would be to accept that the mug is broken, that hating yourself over it is going to turn pain into suffering- that it was an accident and cannot un-break the mug – it is what it is.
You are then welcome to move onto problem solving or whatever other skill can help change the situation or improve it but ultimately, radical acceptance is purely the step of accepting the thing for what it is right now and any judgements you have about yourself in the moment are just that – judgments – by focusing on them you are turning your pain into suffering. Sure, breaking your favourite mug can be upsetting but mentally zoning in on all the reasons it was your fault, how unfair it was, etc etc is going to worsen and prolong the negative feelings you have. Allow yourself to experience the emotions and let them ride themselves out – do not cling on to them with judgement.
This skill is probably one of the hardest to master and it takes a significant amount of commitment and practice but a key to achieving a life worth living.
Don’t forget to give our DBT section a visit for more skills.
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